recently i have been trying and trying to feel the way i did a long time ago. i want to go back to that dark place -- square one. i want to start all over, discover myself again, enjoy solitude. i want to make the same mistakes, i want to fall into my old habits.
well this isn't all true. some habits i've just sunk into on accident, much to my dismay. i've found myself kicking doors, punching walls, yelling profanities, and not being able to control or subdue my anger.
here is my epiphany. i can remember the time i was so angry... and all of the habits and feelings i'm trying to get back to -- that was my therapy. but its such a huge step back! i know its a huge step back, a huge blow for my self esteem, a huge blow for my happiness [or contentedness, rather]. this is ridiculous. and all because i opened up. i felt something i didn't think i could, but ... they were the right feelings, just not for the right person. and it hurts. it stabs. my paranoia is yelling at me, telling me that i shouldn't have been so foolish. but here i am.
why shouldn't i be angry? give me one good reason i shouldn't beat the shit out of the next person that walks into my room. because she loves me? not good enough. for people like her and people like me, words don't mean anything. and i should have seen this sooner... well... i did. i don't want to pretend to be naive anymore. its just not worth it.
my bed is empty, my money is gone, my heart is broken.
i was the money. the car. the mule.
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