Apathy? Or... clarity?

I'm feeling really relieved right now. Well its more of a bunch of mixed emotions. Sitting in class today really made me feel... good. Its strange to think that none of these individuals have ever let me down before. I don't even know them, really... except I probably know them better than anyone else in the universe outside of class. I know their fears, their dislikes, how they communicate. I know they're a support system for me, I've witnessed that today. And I, too, am bound to them. It seems strange that I feel this sort of heartache -- that I will never see them again, but is this true? Is this genuine heartache? Do I wish that each of them could be a part of my life?

I don't think that thats true.

One thing that I do know, however, is that I've learned more from this class about life and about myself than any other formal class I've ever been in.

The question we answered today:
What two things, inward or outward, would you eradicate from your 'self' if you could?

I said I would like to take away my apathy towards my family.

But today I realized also that its not necessarily apathy. I think what I feel is this... genuine need for a real reason to love. I can't just love these people because they're my family -- I need to KNOW them in order to love them. Right now they are just people I can categorize easily -- I've observed them my whole life. But I don't know anything about them, and I think this is why I don't relate, and why I don't actively love them. I have probably given up because they didn't hand it to me on a platter, but now I realize I need to dig. And who knows, maybe I won't love all of them in the way they wish I would, but all we can do is see.