Feeling proud, but lost.

I am so lost right now.

First I want to acknowledge all the political crap that has been going on lately. OBAMA is our new prezzie. Yes, I did my civic duty and voted yesterday, trying my hardest to make Utah a blue state. It ended up being red, per usual, but the percentages were pretty close. Obama even won in some districts, whereas last election Kerry lost all of them. Good work, bamsters. Also, the prop 8 nonsense worked, because somehow it passed. California, what in the hell are you thinking?! I'm sure that the last 5 months in which gay marriage has been legal haven't been detrimental to your hetero marriages. When I heard it passed, I wanted to walk over to BYU and punch every single mormon I could find.

Despite the gay marriage hate, I'm extremely proud to be a US citizen today. It was a historical election -- an african-american man is now the president of our country. His acceptance speech was reminiscent of a penticostal revival, using Lincoln's words and King's rhetoric. It was quite amazing.

And in the midst of all that greatness, I have found time to feel completely lost. This week has been one of several personal crises. I considered changing my whole life plan, wondered how the world can fuel so much hate, and tried to understand why my mother is still trying to force feed me religion. What is going on?

My friendship is still miraculous. Chef now has a name -- its Laura, which has an element of cinematic irony tied to it. We speak awkwardly when we can, and it makes me wonder what she's thinking. I have half a mind to invite her to coffee and some chit chat, but I suppose she might be a mormie.

I've been hanging out with more lesbies, which could be good or bad. I guess for the most part it gives me a sense of calm and belonging... and don't we all have that instinctual urge to belong to a community? Perhaps my community is more of the Juice 'n' Java community as opposed to a Provo/Orem lesbie one. In any case, its quite fabulous. We won't talk about my interpersonal struggles, as I've exploded those out for someone to furiously lap up. The result was disgusting and embarassing.

I don't know what I'm thinking, but its nothing good.

The soothing voices of NPR are my working soundtrack. I never thought I'd be one of those weirdos that listens to news on the radio, who calls their parents by their first names and reads while riding bicycles [I'm not recalling specific people... haha]. Nevertheless, thats exactly what I've been doing. I think it just adds to the fire thats burning in my chest, brain, body, whatever. Whether thats a good or bad fire, I'm not sure. I shouldn't be so cynical... Obama is a symbol of hope, and I'm certainly hoping things will get better within the next four years.

Meanwhile, I'll just write my essays on gender in slasher films and concern myself with other trivial contrivances. Caring about real issues is where the headaches come from...

Word.